Is there life out there?

Grad is over, work is interesting  and I have some new challenges and new ideas that I want to write about very soon.  I don't want to leave that college part of my life without acknowledging all the wonderful people that I have met over the past two years.

Many of my classmates faced challenges last year while attending school. Financial problems, learning struggles, health issues, family demands and even the loss of loved ones made the journey harder. There were a lot of sacrifices made by many of my classmates and their families in the hopes of a better future.

Our teachers also faced some challenges in their lives but they still worked above and beyond to give us an extraordinary education, support us in our training for our new careers and they helped us learn about ourselves in the process.

I want to share a Reba song.
Here is to all the people who are trying to make a better life for themselves!



"Is There Life Out There"

by Rick Gilesen  Susan Long

She married when she was twenty
She thought she was ready
Now she's not so sure
She thought she'd done some living
But now she's just wonderin'
What she's living for
Now she's feeling that there's something more

Is there life out there
So much she hasn't done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She's done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn't want to leave
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there

She's always lived for tomorrow
She's never learned how
To live for today
She's dyin' to try something foolish
Do something crazy
Or just get away
Something for herself for a change

Is there life out there
So much she hasn't done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She's done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn't want to leave
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there

There's a place in the sun that she's never been
Where life is fair and time is a friend
Would she do it the same as she did back then
She looks out the window and wonders again

Is there life out there
So much she hasn't done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She's done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn't want to leave
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there

Is there life out there
So much she hasn't done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She's done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn't want to leave
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there

Convocation from College

On February 9th ... I attended my Convocation from Red River College and was conferred with the title of Therapeutic Recreation Facilitator.

The experience mattered a lot to me. It has been such a hard journey these past few years and it is still hard to believe that I have come so far. I did not realize how much I cared until I was in the middle of the ceremony. Just like any other graduate this is the start of a new phase of my life. A new beginning and it truly seemed like a miracle to me.

New friends from class graduated  beside me. My husband and two of my children were cheering me on from the audience, and I knew my other two children were cheering me on from their homes. I was surprised and so happy to realize that two of my best friends had come to the ceremony too and  I later heard that another friend watched me graduate via an internet link. When I joined the audience after the ceremony I looked at these terrific people and cried with happiness.

I have been very privileged to have so many wonderful people support me through times of loss, sadness and fear  and also there to share and celebrate in so much joy! Thank-you!

 



My new friends Janet, Linda M, and Ashtyn



My wonderful long-time friends Sue and Faye

My daughters, Alicia and Emily

 

 

Bob and me

The Final Week of College

The end is in sight.

Painting by Edmond W. Greacen - Ethol with Roses

My course in therapeutic recreation is going to be over after 5 more work days.  In many ways it feels like we just got started and now it is over already. This has been such an exhausting  and difficult experience and in many ways it has been  positive and life affirming.

In a somewhat overwhelmed moment I told my husband I wasn't sure this has been worth it and that I might never actually get a job.

He said he knows it was worth it. My confidence and attitude is so much better.  My interest in learning is  back. My stamina and energy level really has increased since I have been pushing myself to the limit day after day. Physically I still have a lot of issues and I have more than a few emotional scars from the trauma of the past 6 years but I feel very different about myself right now. I feel a sense of value and direction in my life once again.

I don't know what will happen next.
Maybe I will get a job soon.
Maybe I need to get even more training somewhere.
Maybe I should go on a trip.

I think I might just  relax and take some time to smell the roses!

My Work Placement

I might use pansies for my indoor garden program next week.

I have been very, very busy at my first unpaid work placement for the past 3 weeks. I am at a
personal care home that is part of a large chain. The home is pretty large with just over 200 residents and it has 10 people employed as recreation staff.  I love the people I have been working with. Just lovely people and I do feel at home. It is challenging though. The real world experience is being valuable.


 Next week will involve a lot of assignments and activities that I will be marked on. I will spend Monday at the college with my class and teachers and I will have to give a short presentation about the place where I am working. We are all at different locations all around the city and it fascinating to see how incredibly different all the facilities are.  From Tuesday to Friday I will be observed and marked while running three programs. I choose the programs, plan them out  and I will do a write up about each of them. I am planning a music program, a game program and I have been researching Horticultural Therapy for the last one. I will get to help out at the monthly "club night". I also need to make up a pretend May calendar for the facility with events and activities for the floor I am working on.

I am holding out okay physically, but believe me this is NOT easy.  It is a blessing to be of service to the people in the home but there is only so much one can do to help. There is sadness and loss to be seen there but there are inspiring moments of joy and dignity too.

I will do a work placement at an assisted living facility for May and I think that will also be an interesting experience.

Last Class at the College.. DONE

Today was the last official day of courses. 
All the course assignments are now handed it.  Pheww!!

We will still go to the college once a week as a group but we will be dispersed to different places all over the city for the other 4 days per week doing unpaid job practicum training.

 I will spend April at a personal care home that is ALMOST walking distance from my house. May will find me at an assisted living facility about 5 miles away. There will still be assignments to do with the placements.

I am too tired to blog much today....

We are celebrating and Pizza is on the way!

Dealing with Loss

The theme for this section of school is Dealing with Loss and Palliative Care. Yeah. The topic is heavy. I just finished writing two papers that are due this week.



My Fall Sunset photo just seems to go with the theme.

We watched a movie in class that I blogged about last year, the Bucket List . We were challenged to create our own bucket list with a minimum of 15 items that we want to do, achieve or experience and explain why.  I apparently have a lot of things I want to do and even more of places I want to go. This assignment was fun for me and I just took a very casual style in writing it up, I kept adding web links  to show exactly where I want to travel to. I'm not sure what the teacher will think of web links scattered throughout my printed paper but it made me happy to write it that way.

The next one was much harder. We had to write about our personal experiences with the stages of grief.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, in her book called On Death and Dying (New York: McMillan Publishing Company, 1969), presented a theory that people experience five different stages during the grieving process. The stages she suggested are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. These stages are understood to occur at different speeds and in different orders and in fact a person might jump back and forth between these stages. The study was originally reflecting the experiences of the dying person and was revolutionary in its time. Common culture is now accepting that these stages are also seen in others who experience great loss be it the death of a loved one or other crisis; profound loss is expressed by the intense emotion of grief.

I could have written about the death of  one of my parents or even a large event that I was at where a tragic accident occurred but I decided the best thing for me would be to work through the experience of my illness and brain injury. Not an easy choice especially with marks attached. I swing rapidly back and forth between "the stages" on any given day.

•  Denial? I'm kind of thinking I was in denial when I decided I needed to go back to college.
• Anger? You bet. I just have to think about the hospital I was at. Just have to look at my cane. 
• Bargaining? Well maybe. Do you think if I just went up and down the stairs at school 500 more times I would get fitter and I would stop needing to depend on the elevator?
• Depression? Been there a lot and my social worker and meditation were very helpful in the first years. Time and physical recovery have helped.  There are still bad days though. Christmas was very hard.
• Acceptance? Okay yes sometimes  I accept the situation, because truth be told I am doing spectacularly well.  But then... something goes wrong. I drop a cup that I picked up with my left hand or I have trouble getting the laundry basket down the stairs. (This morning I got frustrated and just kicked my clothes loose down the stairs toward the washing machine). I get a bad headache and my first response isn't that I should go get Tylenol-- I imagine I am about to die and think about if I should call an ambulance or not.

Mainly though, I just get on with life.

Next week there are two more assignments to complete for this particular course. I have to do an art collage of my life and I have to work on my own Eulogy.  We will see how that goes.

Parking Place

Where I park at college

I hope everyone has had a great holiday season. I had two weeks off of school and was just starting to de-stress and wham... here we are back at school already.

By 8 this morning I was driving in the horrible frozen world that is Winnipeg It is  -17 F or -27 C. right now and it has been cold for a couple of weeks now. I got to school to realize that my Handicap parking pass for the college had expired over the holidays. There were no day only parking spots left either. The parking attendant told me to pull to the side of the parking lot and go renew my permit inside and then come back and park the car in a handicap spot. It was the first day of class for the term and there were so many students paying up for new courses and getting their IDs that the line was the length of the hall.

Class started and I was still in line. I was still in line an hour later when some of my class members walked past during coffee break. The guy behind me in line told me to go sit down somewhere and he would save my spot. He was worried that I was going to keel over. There is something really wrong about standing in a line for and hour and a half in order to get a handicap parking spot!  Maybe it took three minutes to pay for the pass and then I went to move the car. I'm paid up for 3 more months.

I missed two thirds of my class. This was first day of a new course called "Dealing with Loss and Palliative Care".  I am dreading the course already so I guess that means  I still  have a few issues I need to deal with.

Yup the holidays are over.

What Should People Know About You?

 I am very, very busy with college. There was a massive charity event last week, a paper due yesterday, another major paper about group dynamics, a case study test tomorrow and a final exam about cognitive issues and therapeutic care on Friday. Then 2 weeks off! yippee!

I am in something like survival mode.

I found one question for the paper I handed in today thought provoking. (and remarkable hard to separate myself from my past reality in order to answer it for marks). 

The topic was about the signs, stages and care of someone with Alzheimer's Disease or other dementias and the impact of the disorder on the family and individual. 

How would you answer this  final question ?

If you could not speak for yourself, what would you want the  people caring for you to know about you? (three points)

1)
2)
3)

So what do you think? Easy or Hard to answer?

Reality vs Pretend

I just finished a homework assignment.

That Experience a Disability Workshop my class did a couple weeks ago had a write up component to it.  The first part was writing about the different activity stations we participated in thinking up what kind of adaptations could make all these activities easier.  Yup got that. I actually tried to write a little more formally like what was expected for the class but eventually I gave up and just started writing whatever I wanted.
One section was writing about the leisure activity of playing cards, Connect 4 and Bingo as someone with arthritis or as someone with stroke. When writing about what it was like playing cards with the non dominant hand I found myself talking about how there are card holders available for purchase but it is cheaper to get someone to router a block of wood to make a gizmo for holding the cards.  I did not have anything nice to say about a different gizmo for helping do up buttons on a shirt. It was pretty hard to separate facts for the assignment from my many strong opinions.  (blush)

The last write up part turned out to be very stressful emotionally. It was a fantasy situation. You were to pretend you were a person who was just placed in a personal care home after having a stroke. uh huh.

The short simple version of that section would be:

Walking into the corn maze.

1. List several types of Leisure activities you enjoy
2. How you participated in each of them in the past,
3. How you have recently been participating in the activity.
4. What challenges are being faced?
5. What strengths do you have?
6. What are the objectives you are trying to meet?
7. Make a plan for how your Recreation Therapist can adapt or find related activities so  that you can take part in your favorite leisure activities.

In the Corn Maze

This hit very close to home. I did most of my rehab as an outpatient but I  still went through, a lot of goal setting while trying to get old skills back and eventually did give up on some activities I love. I read with interest as some of my blogging buddies work hard and struggle to reclaim their work and leisure skills too.  I realized a while ago that this job I am training for is something that I see as critical to recovery or at least to a good quality of life.

For this assignment I didn't need to imagine what my leisure interests might have been and how they can be adapted. I have been living this assignment over the past 5 years. I have indeed been fortunate to have had so much professional help, as well as friends and family, to cheer me on and keep me moving.

In case you are interested I listed my interests as Photography, Singing and making music, and Hiking and nature activities.

Experience a Disability

My class  participated in an assignment this past week called ”Experiencing a Disability” and this event has created a lot of reflection on my part. 

This major project required everyone in our class to pretend we had experienced a stroke that left our dominant side unusable. My class of 15, after dividing into teams of three or four, visited 7 different stations and we tried to carry out a variety of activities sometimes with further physical challenges attached.

Me in pink and two of my new friends.

I had a meltdown days before the event.  I couldn’t understand how this was all going to work for me.  Panic set in and my inner dialogue took off at top speed.

•  I already have left side (non-dominant) weakness so if you take away my good dominant side will I wind up falling down a flight of stairs?

•  If I have these extra disabilities it puts me facing more physical struggles than others in the class so No Fair!  

• I already know what it is like to have a disability so why should I have to do this for marks? 

• Will what has been an everyday reality for me and some of my friends turn out to be a joke or playing make-believe to my classmates? On the other hand, perhaps the class will get a better understanding about stroke as well as other disabilities which I am sure is the true intent of the exercise.

On reflection I realized that none of that was what my anxiety was really all about. In reality I am terrified that someday I will find myself right back in a hospital unable to talk or move again.  Having my movement or vision reduced, are the things my nightmares are made up of and that was exactly what was being asked of me with this assignment. I had to take a leap of faith and face some of my fears. I talked to the teacher and told him I needed to be sure that I would be safe and he reassured me that he would never let anyone be at risk but that I did need to participate and see how I could contribute.

 

On the day of the workshop my group of three started off at a station where we were to pretend to have had a dominant side stroke and that we needed to use a cane. We were told we also have vision issues so the other two got eye patches covering one eye each and I got glasses that clouded over one eye completely and left only the bottom 1/3 of one lens clear.  We were to place marshmallows in our cheek to mimic speaking difficulties. We had directions to go down to the lower level and go to the library, find a particular book and then find a video with a particular call number. Write down the name of the book and of the video using your non-dominant hand. Next go to the cafeteria and order a drink or snack.. still with marshmallows in cheek, eye patches on, using the cane and still not using one arm we had to get those drinks back upstairs.

Experience is a good teacher.  I aimed our little group straight at the elevator that is designated for disabled students, I got the librarian to help at one point and I asked for a cold drink in a plastic bottle with a lid because I know better than to carry a hot coffee in a paper cup. When we were  walking I kept my cane in my stronger hand because I wasn’t going to risk a fall while learning about disabilities.

Other activities done in the class room included putting on a shirt and doing up the buttons with the non-dominant hand. Picking up pennies with gloves that mimicked arthritis as well as playing some games like connect four and bingo wearing the gloves.  How about serving and eating Jello one handed and with an eye patch on then mixing up flour and water to make a batter? What about getting toothpaste out of its tube and onto a toothbrush or tying shoes with one hand?

 You know what? It turned out to be a good experience for the most part. All that occupational therapy and physiotherapy has paid off, because even with my weaker side I could do a lot of these activities simply because I already know many tricks of the trade for doing these things. Restricting my good hand and letting me use only my spastic left in therapy apparently has also paid off!

The final station was not as big a success for me. The goal of that one was to use a wheelchair to get to a bathroom and then without using the dominant arm and leg, transfer to the toilet and then get your pants back up and get back in the wheel chair and return to the classroom.  To begin with I did not have enough strength in my left hand to get the door open to get out of the classroom. Bad start. Trying to scoot an oversize wheel chair with my weaker, and I might add less coordinated, leg and arm was a huge issue. I got myself to the washroom stall eventually but I was unable to pull myself up to do a transfer with either hand. No pretending. I had hit my endurance limit.  I slowly worked my way back to the room wheeling using both arms and I was kind of glad to be sitting down. A guy in a wheelchair of his own gave me a  knowing and defiant glare and basically did a wheelie in front of me.. the show off. At another time I might have been embarrassed or perhaps irritated but I was too tired to give a darn at that point.

I must admit I liked hearing the other students saying it was so much harder than they expected it to be.  The next day several classmates said they had needed to nap when they got home after the workshop. Yup that is my normal daily reaction too.

My good stroke friend Dave D. likes to talk about The Lessons Learned so here we go.

• I still have some emotional trauma issues lingering related to the brain injury but at lest I am aware of them and know I need to work on them
• My fine motor skills on the left side are better than I thought. I’m so glad I really worked on it with guitar, typing, crochet and any other hand exercise I could find.
• My gross motor on the left could be a whole lot better as could my stamina. I want to see what is possible so I just made an appointment with a new physiotherapist.
• We should be willing to ask for and accept help when needed
• I am willing to do stuff like wedge a plate of Jello against my chest in order to spoon it up one handed if that is what it takes. 
• My class is really a great group of people.
• I still have a lot to offer.

Theraputic Recreation Workshop

My classmates and I went to our first conference last Wednesday.

The annual local Therapeutic Recreation Professional Development Workshop was hosted in a town about an hour outside the city. As students we were allowed to register for a very low price. It was just for the day and registering for the conference also entitled us to a student membership in the in the association so it seemed like a great deal to me.

They had arranged for an optional bus to the conference site, and the bus was departing only a mile from my house so it seemed like the most natural choice. I was worried about my ongoing issues with dizziness and car sickness. It turned out that the bus trip was fine and I got to talk to some really nice people during the ride.  Unlike riding a city bus, which is constantly starting stopping and turning, this bus ride was really just one straight road with maybe three turns in the whole hour.  I could watch the road out of the front window so that was also helpful with the nausea problems. I really couldn't tolerate turning sideways or looking backward at the other participants but I still managed to have some great conversations.We arrived at the center for the workshop and lined up for the check in. We received a bag with the organizations logo and then we gathered with about 100 other people involved in the profession.  

The event started out with an inspiring key-note speaker who was an Olympian with our country's Volleyball team. She told about her struggles as a shorter person to have opportunities to play the game she loved.


Next we went to one of three break-out sessions. The one I choose was led by a life coach and was on the topic of finding your "authentic self". The idea is that people intrinsically have different styles or interests and that these continue into old age. Someone who was creative as a child is likely to prefer creative activities as an older person and someone who is competitive will still be inclined to be competitive in their older years, If you know the persons inclinations you are more likely to help them engage in the kind of leisure or rehabilitative activities that they would enjoy the most. It was really very interesting and I can picture applying some of what I learned to my Guiding efforts too.

 I took this during the hands-on section of the
 PhotoVoice session. I wonder what it might tell
 us about the workshop?

Following lunch we had another set of sessions. This time I went to a truly fascinating talk/ hands on session about something called PhotoVoice. It is a method of gaining qualitative information by encouraging a group to go out with a camera and take pictures to communicate information about a topic. One example would be to look at risk factors in a neighbourhood by giving kids a camera and asking them to take pictures about what makes them feel safe in their neighbourhood and what makes them uncomfortable. The pictures would then be discussed looking to see what the kids were relating to in their pictures. It is a powerful tool because it gives a voice to people who might not be able to share information freely and the picture gives concrete evidence that can be shown to people who have the authority to make changes. I encourage you to check out the PhotoVoice website to find out more.

 We went back to the main auditorium for something they called a Bring and Brag. Several individuals or groups got up to the microphone and showcased activity programs they had found to be particularly effective.

Bus ride back to the city, quick dinner and then by seven pm I fell asleep on top of my bed still in my clothes and stayed that way for the whole night.

I liked going to the workshop, I enjoyed meeting a variety of people who are working in this field and now I feel one step closer to imagining myself working as a Therapeutic Recreation Facilitator.

First Course Complete

One final exam is now over and the next course with the same instructor begins Monday.  Foundation in Therapeutic Recreation was our first class and the idea was to get us exposed to different concepts about the field.

A major feature of the course was that we went to observe 7 different programs for older people and then we filled out huge sets of questions about things we observed at the location. We visited personal care homes, adult day programs and a lovely independent living facility. We talked with the Recreational Therapists running the programs about their jobs and the joys and challenges they faced in their particular work.
 

I was at a Girl Guide event where we had
a MARSHMALLOW roast

I was really interested in seeing how the programs were handled and I could not believe how different they all were. I had fun watching a music program, and observing a really fun version of exercise combined with some cognitive prompting. (Stretch the rubber resistance band toward the west coast to Vancouver.. now let's aim toward Halifax on the east coast.)

One highlight was the hands on opportunity to help out at a day program when a petting zoo came to visit. The bunnies and chickens were carried around the circle for everyone to pet and I sat talking to several different interesting older people. I was amused to find that while my younger classmates were getting comments about yes nice and soft pets.  I was getting the older people telling me that these fancy breed chickens were too scrawny to cook and then several of them shared recipes about the best way to cook rabbits. So much for that cuddly petting zoo idea!

One of the lovely but still slightly disconcerting aspects of several of these visits was that so many of the residents looked at my cane and my graying hair and warmly welcomed me as a new participant and member of their group. I guess I look like I belong.

The final exam was not that hard but I really did need to take a lot of extra time to complete it.  Word recall is still very much an issue for me. Matching or fill in the blank questions were great and  I really don't think the essay questions went all that badly but darn that word recall problem when I needed specific terms. Somewhere in the extra time I was allowed because of my disability, I had the most of the "missing words" pop back in my mind. I was talking to one of the girls in the class yesterday about how I went to a bonfire cookout and I told her we had smore's and that I had roasted a mushroom on a stick. I looked at her confused expression and realized that I did not say "marshmallow".  I told her with a tiny touch of embarrassment...." and that  is part of what they mean when they are talking about aphasia".

 Exhaustion and stress bring on some of my symptoms that were bigger issues a year or two ago.
... Being exhausted and stressed is part of the definition of being a College Student.

College Begins

It is hard to believe I have already completed 3 weeks of classes. I have already handed in major assignments and next week one of the classes has its final exam! We will be doing up to 3 classes at a time in a rather intense, accelerated pace --then get the mark and move on to different credit classes with the same teachers. Yes, it is being wonderful and yes, this is difficult!!!

 I think I should start by introducing my new cast of characters.

 There are 15 people in our class and we make quite the demographic picture, There are two men and 13 women, 2 of us are in our fifties , a few in their forties and thirties and  7 young women that are about 19 to 25. There are 4 that are living in the rural area outside of the city and have a long drive in every morning. There are several other people besides me with learning or health challenges.  We are all starting to form a group and learning to work with each other. How appropriate that the first assignment for the writing class is about group formation.

 We have 3 instructors.
T is an intense, jovial guy that has years and years in the Therapeutic Recreation field and has developed innovative programs and policies for personal care homes. I believe he holds degrees in Recreation, Kinesiology and also in Gerontology.
J., who is a lovely, knowledgeable woman  is very experienced in community based care.  She has a very warm approachable style coupled with a much more academic teaching approach than the other two instructors.
The last teacher, B., is the one I had last year when I took that course in Interpersonal Communication in order to prove that I really can do this. He comes from a background with law enforcement and has been a college instructor for about 30 years.  His classes in writing, interpersonal skills and computer skills are considered fundamental and he  teaches the same classes to many other social based programs throughout the college.


I want to keep this blog going but since I have so much writing with school I think I will try to write shorter but more frequent posts. I am learning a lot of interesting information that I would love to share and I am having lots of new experiences and meeting new challenges.


I look forward to telling you all about my new adventures.