There is Muffin Batter in my Fridge!

I worked this past weekend, and when I came home on Sunday night, I basically retreated to my room immediately after dinner because I was feeling completely drained and pretty stiff and sore. I had no energy left for anything. That night my daughter, Emily, made up the 6 Week Refrigerator Muffin batter, and I never even realized that she was doing it. Monday morning, I woke up to the wonderful smell of baking drifting down the hall. I was so surprised and happy that she made them for us, and it lifted my spirits. It was such a thoughtful, and yummy breakfast served along with some juice.

Years ago, when my kids were babies, I used to make a lot of basic food like yogurt, bread, ice cream and jams. One of our most useful and favourite recipes was the one for 6 Week Refrigerator Muffins. It is a pretty basic muffin recipe but made easier by using raisin bran cereal and buttermilk. The muffin batter fits in a plastic ice cream pail, and you can simply scoop out as much as you need for fresh hot muffins when you have a guest or just want a treat. I was a little suspicious back then that it wouldn't be good for 6 whole weeks, and I still can't answer that question because the stuff never lasts that long in our fridge without getting baked! 

During this period of social (physical) distancing, many of us have more time to bake and learn new skills. Still, we are finding that stress and uncertainty kind of sneak up on us, and focusing and being productive can become challenging from time to time. We want to make things fun, we want to eat healthily, but that can be hard to coordinate when shopping is challenging, and our family's daily routine is so disrupted. No one should feel bad about having off days when you just don't care if the dinner plan suddenly turns into a sandwich. Nor should they worry about trying to keep up with the elaborate activities friends are sharing on Instagram. 

(yes grin - I absolutely plan to put this pic of Jasper Dog looking lovingly at muffins on Instagram)

This batter has been a shortcut for me. It is a way of doing something one day to have something special and easy to use on another day when maybe life isn't going as planned.
It doesn't have to be my muffin recipe (though I bet you really would like it) It might be a frozen meal that someone else can pop in the microwave. Perhaps it could be forgetting about the dirty dishes and cuddling up and watching a feel-good movie with someone you love.

Just let go. Have some nice surprises ready for when you really need them and most of all, be kind to yourself.

Here ya go. The muffin recipe.

6-Week Raisin Bran Refrigerator Muffins

 Ingredients:

• 4 eggs
• 3 cups sugar 
• 4 cups buttermilk
• 6 cups bran flake cereal 

• 5 cup all-purpose flour 
• 5 tsp baking soda
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 cup oil

Method:

• Beat the sugar and eggs in your very large mixing bowl 
• stir in buttermilk, cereal flour, baking soda, salt and oil and mix  
• put in a storage container with a lid and keep in the fridge for up to 6 weeks

•  to bake anytime:pre-heat the oven to 400 degrees 
• put scoops of the batter into greased muffin 
• Bake for 15 to 20 minutes depending on the size of your muffin or until a toothpick comes out clean from the center. 

Notes:

It is essential to use the buttermilk, soda and sugar and oil as directed in order for it to last in your fridge.

The traditional cereal is a raisin bran style cereal, but there are now a lot of other bran flake style cereals out there with goodies like dried strawberries or almonds that I think would be a delicious option.

Arthritis and Me

I have had a sore knee for a long time.

When I was doing rehab after my brain injury they asked me to do exercises such as sit to stands and squats and I had a horrible time because of pain, not just neuro issues. That would be when we finally got an x-ray of my knee and I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis.

I have spent a long time walking with a bad gait and frankly it never did get quite normal. My knees and hip have taken a real beating. I tend to stand with all my weight on my "good right side".  I tend to twist a little on my hip as I walk and I kind of thud down on that right leg because I don't totally trust that my left leg will support me even though there is no good reason to think it won't now. I am a heavy person and have been since I was a child. My father had bad arthritis. The result of all these risk factors is that  I now have arthritis in both knees and my right hip as well as a bit in my lower back.

I have done a lot to keep the arthritis under control over the years but it just keeps getting worse.  I tried using a knee brace about 6 years ago and that was not all that helpful. I found it very uncomfortable and they are harder to fit properly on a heavier leg. I tended to be moving both legs kind of funny when I walked and it just was a bad treatment for me at the time.

I have been going to exercise classes and I find the water programs for people with arthritis to be especially helpful.

I do try and pace myself and sit and rest my leg when I need to be that isn't always easy. One of the issues that the arthritis help sites talk about is severe fatigue. I would say that is one of my issues continuing from the brain injury too. This makes it doubly harder for me to willingly exercise a lot or work on loosing weight - both of which would ultimately help with the same fatigue and the joint issues.

The past year or two my hip pain in particular has gotten really bad. I had a fall at work just over 2 years ago and it was like someone turned on a pain switch. My hip really didn't bother me much until that point.  I suddenly had a lot of inflammation and pulled muscles that eventually settled down with time and physiotherapy but the pain never totally went away. The arthritis in my hip has progressed rapidly over the past year and now the pain is constant and severe.

I have had cortisone injections in my knees and right hip over the past 18 months. The first hip one felt like a miracle but at about 7 months it wore off. The second one only lasted about 4 months and the last time it only took the edge off.

My family doctor, as well as the sports medicine specialist that I have been seeing, told me I needed to get on the waiting list for joint replacements. It is a long wait around here to see an orthopedic surgeon, never mind the long wait for the actual surgery.  I saw the surgeon last week and despite the fact that I am considered a higher surgical risk we are going ahead with the hip surgery.

My plan is to get myself in the best shape I possibly can before this surgery.  I am still focusing on  leading a healthy life.

After the Fall

I had a fall in December and hurt my back as well as my stronger  hip and leg. I kind of looked like the guy in the caution sign.. twisted at the hip and landing on my own leg and bottom.  I have not missed any work but  I was on modified duties for some time and I have been taking it very easy at home. I also have done a lot of physiotherapy and my recovery has been much slower than expected.  I only have one more appointment covered by insurance and I am nowhere near the place I was before my fall. Dealing with insurance and all the non-recovery parts of this has been a bad experience. The fact that I have issues with my other, weaker, side, including a bad arthritic knee has really interfered with the course of my recovery, my exercises, and so on. Theoretically I can put in an appeal to have an extension of insurance for the physiotherapy but the process seems very intimidating and stressful and I am not confident that I will be successful.


I can not believe what a hard time I have been having with this. I have been in a lot of pain and really feeling limited in how I move, how much I move and how fast I move.  I have been taking lots of pain medications that upsets my tummy.  I am doing better now, lots better in fact, but not enough to sleeping well or enjoying activities.  One simple example is when we went to a movie in the theatre not long ago and I found it too painful to keep seated in the theatre chair, and too hard to get up and down out if it. Walking back to the car after sitting for the show was a challenge too. At home I am once again avoiding the stairs to my basement and asking family members to do my laundry and fetch items from the storage areas for me.

Fortunately my job actually has a lot of flexibility in the actual duties. There are a few physical aspects that can not be helped, but I have spent more time doing activities like reading out loud, sitting doing nail polish and playing board games. I have been avoiding things like games where I would need to do any bending or lifting. My co-workers have been very nice about it all but they were more than ready for me to get off modified duties and for work life to get back to normal. I have been really glad that I work so few hours so that I had time to recovery in between the days I work and now I think I am handling things pretty smoothly,

Anyway a big part of why I haven't been blogging much is because the main thing I have wanted to talk about is how miserable I have been feeling and that gets boring very quickly even to me. I have to remind myself that this is far from the worst challenges I have faced and I just need to persevere once again.

I have been waiting around for most of the winter for things to be all better and now it is almost summer so it is time to suck it up and just do Stuff.  .. Now to figure out just what that Stuff might be!

I Resolve...

On our very first cruise vacation last September.

New Years Day has come and gone.

I read a comment on one Facebook post about a group that started off the New Year singing Auld Lang Syne. A few minutes later they made their first resolution.. to learn the lyrics! How can you top a goal like that?

I have been going through the list of things I could or should work on this year and I was back to making the list of things I feel I need to improve or accomplish. Loose weight, get fit,  practice guitar, clean my house, sew a quilt, become a better artist, learn new skills,  and the list goes on and on.

 I usually think that my priority should be fitness. I am really acutely aware of how important it is to keep strong and keep your joints and muscles working their best. That is remarkably hard to do when you are exhausted.  Yes, yes.. you get fitter and then you have more energy and that is true even when we are talking about post stroke or brain injury fatigue. It can so hard to keep up a positive attitude.

I think what I need to do is to give myself permission to reduce stress and just rest and be kind to myself this year. I have worked long and hard to make changes in my life and I need to reflect on what I have already accomplished and experienced. I need to look for the small little things in life that bring peace and joy.

I do try to practice  mindful meditation and I truly believe that is what helps keep me going and positive. I want to try and bring some of that feeling to my everyday actions. This year I want to take time to focus on what I am doing and on the people I am with. If I am listening to music I want to focus on the music and not be mentally reviewing the lists of things I need to do that day. When I am doing an exercise I want to think about the exercise and focus on how that movement feels. I want to spend more time living in the moment. Not all moments can be joyful, but they are reality and a part of life and I want to give my all to those experiences too. 

I want to wish everyone a wonderful 2016 full of fun, joy, happiness and peace!

The Final Week of College

The end is in sight.

Painting by Edmond W. Greacen - Ethol with Roses

My course in therapeutic recreation is going to be over after 5 more work days.  In many ways it feels like we just got started and now it is over already. This has been such an exhausting  and difficult experience and in many ways it has been  positive and life affirming.

In a somewhat overwhelmed moment I told my husband I wasn't sure this has been worth it and that I might never actually get a job.

He said he knows it was worth it. My confidence and attitude is so much better.  My interest in learning is  back. My stamina and energy level really has increased since I have been pushing myself to the limit day after day. Physically I still have a lot of issues and I have more than a few emotional scars from the trauma of the past 6 years but I feel very different about myself right now. I feel a sense of value and direction in my life once again.

I don't know what will happen next.
Maybe I will get a job soon.
Maybe I need to get even more training somewhere.
Maybe I should go on a trip.

I think I might just  relax and take some time to smell the roses!

My Work Placement

I might use pansies for my indoor garden program next week.

I have been very, very busy at my first unpaid work placement for the past 3 weeks. I am at a
personal care home that is part of a large chain. The home is pretty large with just over 200 residents and it has 10 people employed as recreation staff.  I love the people I have been working with. Just lovely people and I do feel at home. It is challenging though. The real world experience is being valuable.


 Next week will involve a lot of assignments and activities that I will be marked on. I will spend Monday at the college with my class and teachers and I will have to give a short presentation about the place where I am working. We are all at different locations all around the city and it fascinating to see how incredibly different all the facilities are.  From Tuesday to Friday I will be observed and marked while running three programs. I choose the programs, plan them out  and I will do a write up about each of them. I am planning a music program, a game program and I have been researching Horticultural Therapy for the last one. I will get to help out at the monthly "club night". I also need to make up a pretend May calendar for the facility with events and activities for the floor I am working on.

I am holding out okay physically, but believe me this is NOT easy.  It is a blessing to be of service to the people in the home but there is only so much one can do to help. There is sadness and loss to be seen there but there are inspiring moments of joy and dignity too.

I will do a work placement at an assisted living facility for May and I think that will also be an interesting experience.

Keep Calm and Carry On?

I am participating in WEGO's challenge to post everyday in APRIL. WEGO is a group that empowers online communities in Health Activism to help others.

Keep Calm and Carry On. Write & create your own “Keep Calm and Carry On” poster. Try to make it about your condition! You can then go to (http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/) and actually make an image to post to your blog. #HAWMC

 

 

I was very surprised to find out that people think of Therapeutic Recreation Facilitators as people who just lead Bingo Games and do Arts and Crafts with Old People. It is so much more...

 

One of the first appointments with my Occupational Therapist involved a discussion about what my goals for recovery were.  What were the things I needed to do and what were the things I wanted to do? What had I lost with the injury that would impact on my life?

We talked about what I needed to do to be safe. What did I need to be able to do that were activities of daily living such as managing to dress and feed myself.  Issues related to moving physically, reading and knowing what to do with numbers were at the top of my list.

 

How do you want to spend your leisure time? What helps you participate in activities with your friends and family? What will it take for you to get to go back to volunteer or paid work or allow you to care for your family?

 

I wanted to read, I wanted to cook, I wanted to shop by myself. I had a goal of being organized and remembering what I was doing. I wanted to crochet even though my left hand was NOT working well. I wanted to enjoy photography. I wanted to go camping, hiking and boating.

 

What I REALLY wanted at that point was my old life back.

 

What have I done in my journey to get my life back?

 

I worked on reading and writing with my OT

I worked on how to cook again with my OT

I helped decorate and paint my cottage walls

I wanted music so I joined a very tolerant choir and I found a guitar teacher

I went to boating, sailing events for disabled people to help with my balance

I had  a physiotherapist that made me ride a stationary bike.

I was sent to aquatic therapy where I got to exercise and play in a pool.

I went for (remarkably slow) walks with friends to learn to walk again and gain endurance.

I joined the Stroke Recovery Association and found  peers for support and to do activities with.

I attend adapted Tai Chi classes with a physiotherapist to help with balance, spasticity and strength.

I attended an outpatient group where we  played games to encourage cognitive recovery

I attended a whole lot of sessions of Mindful Meditation.to help balance my emotions

I blog... for recreation and therapy too.. and the hope of making a difference to other people.

 

I have socialized and made new friends and got a lot of support on this journey.

 

That, my friends, is what I think Therapeutic Recreation is all about. 

 

The Butterfly Circus

Have you ever watched a butterfly emerge from it's cocoon? I sometimes see that happen with Monarch butterflies at our cottage in lake country. These yellow, white and black caterpillars eat milk-weed like crazy and then form a rather webby cocoon  that changes into an inert looking  green chrysalis. Ten days later, out it comes as a wet soggy bug. It sits there and it's wings gradually pump up and unfurl. It is now a gorgeous orange creature that flies!

What a wonderful inspiring process and what a story of resilience! It starts out as one thing and becomes something very different but wonderful. The caterpillars eat a plant that is hard to consume and is quite toxic to many creatures but that same poison in the milk-weed makes those butterflies kind of toxic to birds that wants to eat them. They display their lovely bright colors as a warning to predators and basically announce to the world that they are tough little survivors.

One of my dreams is to follow the migrating monarchs from Canada to Mexico where some of the them over winter. They can fly 3,000 miles to exactly the same tree where previous generations overwintered. There is one of these spots pretty close to an international Girl Guide and Girl Scout center and some of my Guiding friends have gone to see this magical spot.  One lady told me about her experiences in Mexico. She said the walk up the trail into the forest is fairly difficult but she though that if you take your time, even with a cane, you can eventually get up to where thousands of butterflies are located.

When I  get tired of walking, or going up the stairs I sometimes think that there is no point in doing all this work  and rehabilitation with so little return. Then I picture that caterpillar chomping away on milkweed and the miracle of the chrysalis followed by that 3,000 mile journey.

Someday ... I am going to follow them from my cottage and walk up that forest trail in Mexico  to see a miracle of nature.


Below is a short award winning video featuring the inspiring Nick Vujicic. I hope you enjoy The Butterfly Circus.

Communicating

 There was an amazing post written in the past few days by Roia-- the Mindful Music Therapist. Roia talks about a nonverbal, autistic man that she works with who is showing that he is able to answer yes or no using word cards. She said it made her think about the song "I Wish I knew How It Would Feel to be Free".

Aside from trying to come to terms with the whole idea of actually communicating with me and having me understand him- overwhelming in and of itself for him, I think- there's the fact that it probably won't change his life in any appreciable way.  

Sara, from Girl with a Cane, wrote in a related post that Roia's post moved her so deeply that she began to cry.  Amy at My Cerebellar Stroke Recovery was inspired to share her experiences.
I was touched by this topic too.

Going back to college has been a real struggle for me  I still have huge fatigue issues, I still loose my balance and sensory issues sometimes win out. I occasionally wonder of this is worth all the effort. Other times I know that this is the right place for me.

When we went to the nursing home last week I was asked to help a lady in a wheelchair get her coat on.  She looked a bit panicked at a new person helping. She has aphasia and her main language is not English. She tried to explain that she could not move her right arm and that it needed to go in the jacket first. She said "Stroke" and was tearing up. I leaned my cane against the wall and reached to help with the coat. I looked her in her lovely eyes and said" Me too.".  I touched her bad hand and said "Your stroke"  and then I touched my left hand and leg and pointed at my cane and said " My side.".  Her left  hand reached out to me and pulled me toward her in a hug and she said .. "You Understand!". We were both tearing up at that point. She said "12: . I said "5 years.".

Yes I do understand .... so much more than her words. 
 

 

Send "I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be Free"

I wish I knew how
It would feel to be free
I wish that I could break
All the chains holding me
I wish I could say
All the things that I'd should say
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole round world to hear
I wish I could share
All the love that's in my heart
Remove all the bars
It keeps us apart
I wish you could know
What it means to be me
Then you'd see and agree
That every man should be free

I wish I could give
All I'm longin' to give
I wish I could live
Like I'm longin' to live
I wish I could do
All the things that I can do do
And though I?m way over due
I'd be starting a new

Well I wish I could be
Like a bird in the sky
How sweet it would be
If I found out I could fly
And I'd sore to the sun
And look down at the sea
And I sing cos I know - yea
And I sing cos I know - yea
And I sing cos I know
I?d know how it feels
Oh I'd know how it feels to be free
Yea Yea I'd know how it feels
Yes I'd know
I'd know
How it feels
How it feels
To be free

First Course Complete

One final exam is now over and the next course with the same instructor begins Monday.  Foundation in Therapeutic Recreation was our first class and the idea was to get us exposed to different concepts about the field.

A major feature of the course was that we went to observe 7 different programs for older people and then we filled out huge sets of questions about things we observed at the location. We visited personal care homes, adult day programs and a lovely independent living facility. We talked with the Recreational Therapists running the programs about their jobs and the joys and challenges they faced in their particular work.
 

I was at a Girl Guide event where we had
a MARSHMALLOW roast

I was really interested in seeing how the programs were handled and I could not believe how different they all were. I had fun watching a music program, and observing a really fun version of exercise combined with some cognitive prompting. (Stretch the rubber resistance band toward the west coast to Vancouver.. now let's aim toward Halifax on the east coast.)

One highlight was the hands on opportunity to help out at a day program when a petting zoo came to visit. The bunnies and chickens were carried around the circle for everyone to pet and I sat talking to several different interesting older people. I was amused to find that while my younger classmates were getting comments about yes nice and soft pets.  I was getting the older people telling me that these fancy breed chickens were too scrawny to cook and then several of them shared recipes about the best way to cook rabbits. So much for that cuddly petting zoo idea!

One of the lovely but still slightly disconcerting aspects of several of these visits was that so many of the residents looked at my cane and my graying hair and warmly welcomed me as a new participant and member of their group. I guess I look like I belong.

The final exam was not that hard but I really did need to take a lot of extra time to complete it.  Word recall is still very much an issue for me. Matching or fill in the blank questions were great and  I really don't think the essay questions went all that badly but darn that word recall problem when I needed specific terms. Somewhere in the extra time I was allowed because of my disability, I had the most of the "missing words" pop back in my mind. I was talking to one of the girls in the class yesterday about how I went to a bonfire cookout and I told her we had smore's and that I had roasted a mushroom on a stick. I looked at her confused expression and realized that I did not say "marshmallow".  I told her with a tiny touch of embarrassment...." and that  is part of what they mean when they are talking about aphasia".

 Exhaustion and stress bring on some of my symptoms that were bigger issues a year or two ago.
... Being exhausted and stressed is part of the definition of being a College Student.

Closing Doors and Opening Windows

Open Window, Etretat

by Henri Matisse

 

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.

Alexander Graham Bell

 

The staff of the college program I am entering, the disability advisor and my job coach have all stressed that I need to let go of my different activities for this coming year. I need to focus on school. I know that college is going to use up most of my energy and that spare time will become a thing of the past.

You know what? It is hard to let go of my activities and social life.  I keep trying to negotiate a way that I can keep doing all the things I have been doing. Moving forward to new experiences means I have to leave past activities behind, at least for a while.

Yesterday I called my guitar teacher and told him I was quitting for now and then I cried. I have put a lot of time into getting that darn thing to sound half decent and I was just started to feel like I was making music instead of doing finger and hand therapy.

Volunteering at the hospital is another hard one to give up. The volunteer coordinator sent me the mailing of the recreation activities they need help with for September and I really want to volunteer with  most of them  but I won't be free. I realized with a smile that my reaction is a good thing. It probably means this Therapeutic Recreation program is a good choice for me.

Girl Guides? Actually this one feels okay. I will maintain my membership, and I will still attend the occasional event with girls and hopefully be a bit of a mentor for the younger leaders in my group. I will kind of take on a Grandma role. I will come to the enrollment and take pictures, I will show up for a couple of events over the year.  Guiding has a Trefoil Group for older leaders to meet for fun activities on a monthly basis and I have participated in that group for a couple of years. I already had to send my regrets regarding attending  a day in the country with the group that will occur on my first day of classes.  I am confident that I have the support of this group of women who have devoted years with a recreation and learning program for girls and young women. They understand about the value of the training program I am about to start.

On Wednesday I chaired my last meeting of the Peer Support Group that I have been involved with over the past several years. I am passing the group on to a couple of wonderful people who have been part of the group and I know that things will go even better with their fresh ideas, I am sorry to be moving away from Stroke Recovery Association of Manitoba but that feels right too. I will still show up when I can and I will keep in touch  with my friends but it won't be quite the same. I talked to the organization's Administrator, Russ, about what a home away from home the organization has been for me. He said that one part of the organization's official objectives is  "To assist the Stroke Survivor to again become a participating member of society through mental stimulation, self-help, and socialization" .  He said that is exactly what I was doing.
Moving forward is what is supposed to happen.

Volunteer!

I have been volunteering .... A LOT! I have always been a volunteer with a variety of organizations but this was something else!

I have continued to work in the direction of getting a job someday and part of the process has involved investigating a number of different fields. I have been leaning very strongly in the direction of some kind of recreation  related job and it was recommended that I get some real life work experience through volunteering. Partly this was to prove that I really do like that kind of work, that I really can do the job and most difficult was to prove that I have the stamina to work a half day job. I was also trying to prove to myself, and my employment support team that I would be able to go to college full time next year for a certificate program.


The Hospital's Thank-you pin for Volunteer Appreciation Week

We had a really hard time finding somewhere that would let me work the number of required hours per week. To best qualify for financial assistance they wanted me to work for about 15 hours each week for a period of at least 4 weeks. Most places would have been happy to give me about 3 hours but not that many!  Eventually the decision was made that I could work at two different places and we would add up the hours.

My Employment Development Specialist  and I met with the director of the Stroke Recovery Association of Manitoba where I have been an active member over the past several years. We agreed  I would spend time volunteering in general ways and also to chair our upcoming Wheel and Walk fundraiser.

Next we met with the Volunteer Coordinator of the hospital where I received most of my therapy.
After an interview process I began volunteering in the nursing home that is part of the hospital complex. I have been helping to transport residents to programs and assisting the recreation directors with a variety of events ranging from Spiritual Care activities in the chapel to crafts, music therapy sessions, movie night and even baking cookies with some lovely seniors.

All of this ... while desperately trying to balance my normal family, and my normal volunteer commitments. The rest of the time I wanted (well maybe needed) to be a couch potato.

I did it. The volunteering was very worthwhile, very encouraging, but also challenging and exhausting. I found that a lot of the things I worried about were not issues at all, but helping with adapted curling proved to be a rather humbling experience that pointed out my limitations. [note to self-- NO more curling- adapted or otherwise]

My required time as a volunteer with these organizations is now up. I had an appointment a few days ago with the hospital volunteer coordinator and we discussed my continuance as a volunteer at the hospital.  I left with dates that I will be volunteering for the rest of May. Stroke Recovery's annual Wheel and Walk fundraiser takes place in June so I still have a lot of lot of volunteer work ahead of me.
.

Surviving the College Course

I have been a busy person for the past couple of months. I am looking into employment and retraining options for the future with the help of SMD (the Society for Manitobans with Disabilities) and this has led me on several adventures over the past year but the past two months have brought the largest set of challenges. I went back to school and I also started volunteering at a hospital to gain work experience.

I completed the ten-week college course in Interpersonal Communication that I started in January. How did that turn out? I don't have the final mark yet but I expect to have passed comfortably.  I completed 4 short papers and wrote two exams. The first half of the course was an exercise in fitting in and getting back in the grove. I quickly became aware of some major learning problems that did not exist before my health issues started. I used to read a lot and be able to easily remember what I read or heard. That is just not easy anymore. The course had a rather good textbook that was set up with an accompanying online version of the text and a lot of extra study aides available online and boy did I need them.

The teacher is a nice guy with a true desire to educate his students. 

In class there were a lot of small group activities and he managed to let me stay put and have the small group come to me so I didn't need to get up and down all the time. The class room was a very "busy" place from a sensory point of view. There was a heater going, a buzz from the lights and a lot of wiggly classmates. I picked a seat to the left side of the room near the front and that helped a lot since I seem to see and hear a lot better when the action is to my right "good" side.  I had trouble catching everything the teacher was saying, especially if he turned his back to write on the board or talked faster when he got passionate about a topic. He has his own issues with hearing loss and was understanding and more than willing to make every effort to accommodate me.

I found that, even though I usually feel like my language skills and short-term memory are adequate for everyday life now, my language skills fell apart when I needed to learn so many new terms. The course had about 25 fairly complicated vocabulary words a week and I was really struggling. I understood the concepts but word retrieval was absolutely eluding me.  Even if through some miracle I recalled the new word, I might have trouble actually articulating it during class, sort of like a stutter. 

The saving grace for me was that the online resources had a lot of games like memory matching games. …find the card with the word and march with a card with the definition. There were vocabulary crossword puzzles, vocabulary sheets, examples of videos using the skills, and practice tests for each chapter. I worked so hard!! Even with all that my recall was extremely hit and miss. The reason I will have done okay on the exams is because the exam format was multiple choice.  Aha! Apparently I can recognize the word and understand it.  On-line practice fill in the blank tests were miserable.  My midterm exam mark with multiple choice was great.

Reading the textbook was a massive challenge too. I have worked and worked over the past 4 years to get my reading level back up again but it is still difficult.  The muscles in my face do not work evenly so my left eye tracks across the page slower than my right and with a little bounce. Reading this photo rich textbook, for content, was taking me as much as 7 hours actual reading time to get through 30 pages and for every hour of reading I would need to stop and rest my eyes for another hour in order to recover from the growing headache and accompanying nausea. 

The partial solution to the reading issues was that online version of the textbook. I had my textbook open with a highlighter pen in hand and I had my computer read the words to me. [On my MAC you highlight the text you want read and then hit Option plus Escape]. I highlighted anything in the book that I needed to review later in order to work on remembering or comprehending the material. I closed my eyes and listened through examples and basic information.

The formatting style of the textbook made this difficult too. The computer reads straight down the page as printed, including tables and pictures stuck in the middle of text passages. This is also not easy because you can't take your time when reading the hard concepts -- the computer voice plods on with or without you.

I still hope to go to college and take more courses in September but I am starting to become aware of how many barriers I will be facing. I have an appointment with a Disability Counselor/ Social Worker at the college to discuss my options for modifications or assistance in the future. Next time I might not get a multiple-choice exam!

The volunteer experience component of my back to work program overlapped with the last two weeks of the college course. My ability to study and focus plummeted and fatigue won out. I am sure my second terms marks will reflect my exhaustion.

Am I glad I did the course? You bet!

I found it hard to keep to the page limit in the papers I had to write for class. I always want to write too much!

Therefore...

I will save writing about my volunteer experiences for another day!

Puppy!

The most exciting thing happening around here is that my daughter got a puppy.

This puppy is an adorable ball of energy and my own little tripping hazard. We had two dogs when the kids were little but my two younger daughters, who are still living at home, came after the puppies so they did not know what life with puppies is like.

Emily has been wanting a dog for a long time, but with my heath issues the idea of a new pet went right out the window.  Last year we got a new higher fence around our backyard so that meant one of my requirements of puppy ownership was met. I really thought that my old wood floors should be redone and sealed against puppy accidents but that never happened.

Emily has been researching dogs to find the right one for our family.

• I have allergies to the oil on dogs coats so I need to have a dog that is more the fluffy type.
• we needed a dog that will be good with the grand-kids who are over frequently.
• we needed a dog that will keep Emily company on long walks and fun activities.
• we need a dog to be a family pet and not just a one person dog.
• Emily thinks she wants to show the dog and perhaps take part in things like agility trials.

She found a breeder nearby who had pure-bred Samoyed puppies from champion stock parents.
We visited the breeders at their home a couple of times and were thrilled with the mommy dog and her adorable 5 little balls of fluff.

Two weeks ago the breeder delivered an eight week old little boy puppy to our house.  Life changed instantly! He is very smart and cute and he has won our hearts.

Emily named the dog Jasper and she is working on teaching him the basics like sit and to go outside to pee. He needs a LOT of walking as he is really high energy.

I complained to my girl friend that I can't manage to take a turn walking him because the sidewalks are slippery and the dog pulls on his leash, tugs, bounds and runs under legs. My family is working on getting him to walk nice on a leash but it is going to take a while before he will be safe for me to walk with.  My sweet friend reassured me that I am getting plenty of exercise with puppy by rushing to get him out the door to prevent "accidents" and that sure it the truth. I need to get working on my old physiotherapy exercises and work on my stamina again ... so that I can try to keep up with Jasper.

Spring Camp

Dawn reflecting off the frozen surface of Lake Winnipeg

I went camping with my Girl Guides of Canada - Pathfinder Unit last weekend. We went to a district camping event with about 70 girls and women at a beautiful camp about an hour and a half north of our city. It has terrific grounds and indoor facilities including a pool, meeting spaces, and dining hall. The food was wonderful and we really appreciated having the staff prepare it for us instead of us cooking over a camp-stove! Camp was not exactly roughing it. 

Our small cabin for the weekend

This was supposed to be a winter camp but the unusual warm weather we had this past week made a lot of the cold weather activities we  planned  impossible.   

Snow shoeing and spraying colored food dye on snow won’t work without a reasonable amount of snow. The ground was "crusty-icy" and "slushy-muck" with several areas deeper than our rubber boots.  It was by far the worst walking conditions I have experienced in many years, and of course my little cabin was the furthest from the parking lot and the mess hall.  I stayed in a small cabin with my daughter who is also a leader, another leader, a parent volunteer and 6 teenage girls.

Solar S'mores and yucky wet slippery ground

The theme for the camp was environmental awareness.  We did activities about water filtration and keeping our waterways clean and we planted little seedlings into containers.  Our girls helped run a couple of sessions such as making s’mores (graham crackers with melted marshmallows and chocolate) in the snow using a solar oven and wide games and a scavenger hunt about recycling.  Some of my girls are still very young 12 year olds and these were huge task for them but the pride in their accomplishments was undeniable. The younger girls, ages 5 up, looked up to the BIG girls and that encouraged the big girls to try all that much harder. The 12 to 17 year old participants ran an amazing campfire for the whole group on Saturday night. They led an hour of songs by memory and the 12 to 13 year olds even made up the cutest little skit about what the animals want us to do to take care of the environment.

The main activity hall in the early morning light

I had a really hard time moving around in that miserable snow. Sleeping on a strange, squeaky bottom bunk - with a wiggly young lady on top was pretty tough too. I did have fun though. I visited with the other adults, I played in the pool and I sang my little heart out even when I had trouble remembering the lyrics. My unit made adorable no-sew, green fleece hats. I walked back and forth to see all the girls who were dispersed all over the campgrounds doing their volunteer jobs. I spent a lot of time helping the girls prep for the activities they were leading, debriefing them afterward and I even helped work on some extra program materials that were appropriate learning for the older girls. 

I got around wonderfully this year in comparison to last spring at camp. Last year I needed a walker and could barely move, but this year I was in the thick of things despite the tricky conditions!

 I must admit that Sunday morning did not go well. It was enough strain over the weekend that my affected side started to spasm and I was in a tremendous amount of pain for the last few hours at camp. The muscles in the left side of my back contracted from shoulder blade to hip and I was pulled right over to the left side and unable to straighten. Every time I moved it triggered a whole new wave but I was too uncomfortable to sit or lay down and eventually my hip and left leg started to spasm as well. The car ride home was pretty long and miserable too.  It was a bit scary for the girls to see me in that much pain and I feel pretty bad about that.  I am feeling better today, but the episode was long and severe enough to leave me feeling pretty beat up.

I was feeling pretty happy with how I am moving lately and I have become pretty lax about doing my exercises. This incident was just proof that I still need to do a LOT of work on strengthening my whole body.

Our next camp will be tenting in May. I am not sure if I should go or not. I don’t want to miss anything, but I also don’t want to risk a repeat of last Sunday. 

My Vocation?

I am now onto the next phase of the Vocational Rehabilitation Program. I met with my main job counselor and another man from the job readiness department.  We reviewed how I did during the computer class; we talked more about my previous work history and we talked about what we will do next. 

The plan is that we are going to find me a part-time unpaid job that I will work at for a month. They will set it up for me and will send someone with me a few times to make sure I get all the help needed for me to do okay in the work environment. It would be like job specific occupational therapy and it will give them the ability to evaluate how I am doing in terms of my interests, abilities, physical tolerance, need for job accommodations and aids, and they will assess my work habits and behavior before making further recommendations.

 We can try a few different job placements over the next few months in order to find a job that will be a good fit for me now. This will give me job experience, a chance to sort out what kind of hours I can tolerate at a real job and a job reference. It should also be part of the process of increasing my stamina further and hopefully building up my confidence a bit more in the process.

I met with the job placement coach for a second time last week. We looked at some typical job descriptions on a volunteer job bank listing and then we started pulling together my resume.

I thought it might be hard to sort out the actual details of my resume but I was not prepared for the flood of emotions it triggered. Never mind the recent lost skills and lost jobs, I was suddenly thinking of all the poor career decisions I have made in the past and about all the things I could have achieved if I had only made different choices.  People think they have forever to make changes in their jobs and their future, but a life-threatening event makes one acutely aware of what a short time we really have on this earth and the limitations that can occur because of health and life circumstances. I pretty much fell apart for the rest of the evening thinking about lost opportunities.

It is pretty scary to work on getting a new job, in a new field, at this point in my life.


The newspaper clipart is from http://www.clipartheaven.com

One More Week of Computer Class

I have done a full month of computer classes at the Society for Manitobans with Disabilities and I only have one more week to go.  We started with Word and then moved on to Excel and Access. It has been a basic overview of those programs with enough information to know how to start a project and what potential there is in the programs. I am a MAC user so it was all pretty new to me but I have caught on very quickly. Next week's plan is to work on cover letters and resume writing and about using the Internet for job searches.

I have had spare time during class so I started trying to learn a program called OneNote. I think that program might turn out to be very helpful for me. It is a way to organize a variety of types of information in a binder style complete with tabs and extra pages. It can include pictures, video, audio clips, and you can insert documents like excel and word and it can all be dragged around to format it anyway you like.  I am starting out by using it to organize my blogging plans and resources. Tools that can help with memory and organization like this program and my iPhone are real blessings. I spend a lot of time feeling very anxious and stressed while trying to remember what I am supposed to do. I just don’t have the energy for trial and error.

I am doing very well in class. I am finding that I am comfortable with the 3 hours now and I am productive for the whole time. I am also finding the work itself much easier than I thought I would. I don't think I am having any real functional issues related to my memory and cognitive problems. Drop down menus are great visual memory triggers. It was suggested that using keyboard shortcuts is faster but I just can’t seem to remember what the function is even called, never mind the short cut for it.  I run the mouse over the tool bars and think “A ha! Yes! Click that one!” 

I have found that a few of the physical issues are bigger problems than I expected. I have had real issues keeping my left arm elevated so that I can keep typing. I have put a huge amount of work into getting my fingers moving, but clearly I do not have great control over my left shoulder, neck and I even have some issues with my elbow.  My arm just gets "tired" after a while and it keeps slipping down from the desktop keyboard and I loose control over the whole arm eventually. I am having extra arm pain, but the more distressing problem is my lack of control with extended use. I know I need a break when my hand starts to spasm. I have upped the height of the chair, lowered the screen and adjusted the armrest and I even put a little cushion on it to help keep my arm supported and elevated above the keyboard. It is a good temporary solution but I know will need to work on arm exercises once the computer class is over.

My other big problem is related to my vision.  I find it difficult to copy from an assignment page to the computer. It is hard to move my eyes back and forth very much. I got a stand for the paper, and lined up the screen beside it and I also bumped up the size of the text on the screen. I learned that I have to actually look into the distance every 5 or ten minutes and I need to get up every hour or so and walk around and give my eyes a real break. I am getting pretty bad headaches and I am sure they are because of my vision.

One of the main objectives of this program was to see if we could increase my stamina. I now last for the period of the class but I don't really seem to have increased my stamina for the day as a whole. Coping well at the course has been at the expense of my other activities. I have not had the energy to exercise or to socialize in the evening. I am very cranky a lot of the time and all I want to do is lie down by six in the evening. Even tiny household tasks have become overwhelming.  On the other hand, I feel very good having a routine and getting out of the house. I like going to the course and it has really helped my battered self-esteem.

We are Home

I had a very good time on our vacation in Hawaii, but I must admit I don't feel rested----- I feel exhausted. I need to take it easier when I go on these adventures.

I strained my back on our trip home but fortunately my back is already getting better. I think it was just helping with my carry-on luggage or perhaps it was just sitting in the plane that long but I am sure not ready to jump straight into Christmas decorating and shopping. Life does go on and I do need to get back to all of my regular activities.

I had a guitar lesson last Tuesday --- after 3 weeks without practice. Wow it was bad. (My teacher is the most patient person you ever met!) I guess two little ukulele lessons don't make up for weeks without touching the guitar. I have been getting better at the guitar and the difference it had made to my weak hand is phenomenal, but it does take me a long time to get the hang of any of the mental or physical skills involved in playing. It seems that I forget what I learn much faster than the amount of time it takes me to learn it in the first place. Practice, practice,  practice.  Maybe I should start practicing the ukulele too.


Winnipeggers usually wind up talking about the weather, so maybe that is a good fall back topic to ease me back into the blogging world. When we left it was pretty darn cool in Manitoba, but we didn't have any snow on the ground. We flew off to Hawaii and despite the fact that it was 80 degrees and warm at night I wanted to carry my jacket around like a security blanket. By the end of the two weeks I was just starting to trust the easy weather conditions and then it was time to come home.

People .. it is darn cold here and it is just going to get colder!

There isn't a lot of deep snow, but the sidewalks are icy and slippery and I need to have a metal spike gripper thing on the bottom of my cane to keep me from slipping. My winter parka from last year is having zipper problems.

I have switched from pretty glasses of fruity beverages decorated with pineapple slices and fresh flowers to mugs of tea or hot cocoa decorated with Santa and reindeer.

I must admit that I do sleep better curled up in my own bed under 2 fluffy quilts.

Ahhhh ----  Home Sweet Home.

Vacation Time

Bob and I,  along and our adult daughters, are going on a trip to Hawaii tomorrow morning! I am soooooo excited. We have been planning this for months and I can hardly believe the trip is finally here. The girls are only staying a few days for our tropical family vacation and then Bob and I will be staying for another week on our own little second honeymoon.

 Our daughter found us a good deal and booked us into a couple of different exciting locations!

I must admit that I have had a lot of anxiety about this trip and a lot of trouble getting organized, but now it is too late for me to do anything different. No more lists. No more shopping, no more planning how to pack or planning where to stay. All I can do is get on that plane.

I went back and forth about just how I was going to manage physically on this trip.  I have not been using the walker for months now, but I also have not been doing as much walking or challenging moving as I was a year ago. I am finding that my new knee brace is a really big help but I don't think it will be enough. The knee brace makes my knee feel a lot better, but when I wear it I find that my ankle gives out much faster for some reason.

My family will do all they can to help me but I still can't imagine how I will carry my luggage, stand in lines and still do all that I want to do and only hang on to my cane.  We decided that I am going to take the walker, and the knee brace, and the ankle brace and yes the cane!

I am ready for adventure!



clip art from http://www.rosiepiter.com/